Final results came back. Negative for HIV including from viral load test. Doctor said it was unusual to get a false positive, let alone "equivocal" result. May have been contamination somewhere in the process.
Looking back the most striking thing about it was my reaction. I suppose I should have been freaking out. But I wasn't. Maybe it's because I've been taking risks for so long now (I've been barebacking since the early 2000s) and I've adjusted to the chances of getting pozzed.
The other thing is, I found the idea of being poz a bit of a turn-on. The idea of being infected doesn't do anything for me - I've never been into bug-chasing. And I don't want to be on meds for the rest of my life.
But the idea of being able to drop all inhibitions and take all and any loads... that's a turn-on.
But for now it looks as if I'm stuck with this tension between wanting my hole drenched in cum and trying to limit my risks.
Wrapped up in thoughts
1 month ago