Dodged a bullet

Final results came back. Negative for HIV including from viral load test. Doctor said it was unusual to get a false positive, let alone "equivocal" result. May have been contamination somewhere in the process.
Looking back the most striking thing about it was my reaction. I suppose I should have been freaking out. But I wasn't. Maybe it's because I've been taking risks for so long now (I've been barebacking since the early 2000s) and I've adjusted to the chances of getting pozzed.
The other thing is, I found the idea of being poz a bit of a turn-on. The idea of being infected doesn't do anything for me - I've never been into bug-chasing. And I don't want to be on meds for the rest of my life.
But the idea of being able to drop all inhibitions and take all and any loads... that's a turn-on.
But for now it looks as if I'm stuck with this tension between wanting my hole drenched in cum and trying to limit my risks.

The wages of sin

It's been a strange weekend. Thursday the GP called me in to tell me my regular HIV test had come back "equivocal". They've drawn another sample and I'll find out the result on Tuesday. But it's not looking good. 

The strange thing is that I'm not really freaking out about it. Maybe that's just the fatalistic side of my personality. Maybe it's the fact that I've accepted from a long time ago that high risk behaviour means a high risk of getting pozzed. And I think I have a good understanding of what it might mean in practice. 

The funny thing is that there is an element of relief in it all. I spent some time this morning checking out a listing for bareback sex parties, getting hard thinking of getting bred by a series of black guys. 

The reality of not being able to bareback with negative guys plus having to take a pill every day will take most of the fun out of it I suspect. 

We'll see what Tuesday brings.